The Ugly, The Evil, The Random
by RecountOurVices
Summary: Collection of random one-shots about Akatsuki and his members. Not as serious as it sounds. Slash.


Hidan was... well. He wasn't really sure how to describe himself with any word other than «immortal», and even then he struggled with the term because it was not so accurate as he'd have liked. He was just Hidan, the great. The one who would bless this fucked up world— especially the elemental nations— with the existence of his god, Jashin.

And even after that, he didn't really felt like he had successfully answered the question.

But who in their fucking right mind would ask such a stupid fucking thing to a member of Akatsuki, for fuck's face?! The answer to that question was looking at him intently, arms crossed over his chest covered by the massive black cloak, his face void of all emotion.

"What-fucking-ever, wooden bitch. Like I have time for you."

"So pathetic," replied the other in mild annoyance, clearly displeased of having been forced to wait for a ridiculously stupid answer. Not that he had expected much coming from Hidan.

Thing the Jashinist knew fully well, already feeling the flames of his unstable anger.

"Let's go, my man Sasori. We have better things to do, hn. Leader-sama likes to wait as much as you do." The only blonde in the group sneered at Hidan and turned on his heel, walking to the library soon followed by Sasori because their leader's patience always seemed to ran on non-existent.

"Yeah, get the fuck out of my face! You don't even know who the fuck you are, and you have the fucking nerve to come to me and ask that stupid question. Honestly, like anyone of us knows who we really are. Ain't we rogue-nin for something? Or did I miss the «this is only for shit and giggles» memo?" Hidan growled and plopped down onto the nearest couch that wasn't already occupied in its entirety by Kisame, leaving him to squeeze uncomfortably between Tobi and Kakuzu. Fucking great, now he'd have to deal with his bitching while he went through Akatsuki's financial balance. "The fuck you're looking at, _Orange_?"

Tobi giggled to himself and exclaimed something about « _Hidan-senpai being so cool and aggressive~!_ », but the second newest member had already zoned out to block that annoying voice. Kisame seemed to note than and looked at Kakuzu with a brow raised, pointy teeth bared for everyone to see. Tobi shuddered and inched away from the shark-like man, not that any of them gave an actual fuck about him.

"Kiddo here seems to be in a bad mood, Kakuzu-san. Reminds me of your former partner, no?" The Kiri-nin looked incredibly amused, but unlike Hidan, Kakuzu ignored the other completely. Debts were accumulating and he was the only one in the entire organization that could be trusted with numbers. Smirking, Kisame continued. "It may be a good thing he can't die."

At that, the miser grunted.

"Hn."

"The fuck you're talking about me, you heathen?! I'll turn you into fucking sashimi!" At that Kisame smirked despite the annoying threat and barked out a harsh laugh.

"Or... perhaps not so much."

To his ever-growing amusement, Kakuzu let another grunt in agreement.

At that, Hidan shot them a cold glare and got up, ignoring the way Tobi asked him to stay with them. With a «Fuck you, Orange!», the Jashinist stormed away into his room, slamming the door shut with enough force the entire base actually shook for a second. Anger flooded through his veins at a maddening speed, and without really thinking he gave the wall a hard punch, stone piercing warm flesh immediately.

He hated them all.

* * *

"Where the hell is Hidan? I don't hear his stupid whining, hn," said Deidara after returning from their mission two days after, kicking off his sandals and leaving them by the door before venturing into the cool place. Sasori didn't look interested in the least, and he murmured something before heading to his study. Itachi looked up from where he was seated, a stick of dango dangling between his teeth while Kisame's head rested rather lazily on his lap. The Kiri-nin put the blade he had been polishing down to look at him— Itachi's, Deidara soon noticed and made a crude sexual joke that was ignored for the most part.

"Kid has been sulking in his room for the past two days," Kisame replied with dry amusement lacing every syllable, nose scrunched in slight distaste as Itachi reached for yet another stick. "Must you eat that all the time?"

"You like sweets," said Itachi, whose gaze never left his book despite listening to the conversation.

"I don't eat ten sticks in one go, Itachi."

"I brush my teeth after every meal."

"That's not the point."

"Oh, for the love of— _get a fucking room_!"

"This _is_ a room."

"Shut your damn mouth, Uchiha!" Rikkudo, so much public affection had Deidara squirming. "The fuck he's been doing in his room all that time?"

"He won't open the door. Kakuzu is now banned from entering. And he almost killed Tobi when he tried to cheer him up." But that didn't quite answered the question. Everyone tried to kill Tobi at least once a day, and Hidan always behaved like a petulant child whenever Kakuzu was around— which meant ninety percent of the time. Kisame seemed to read his mind and shrugged in a very « _Don't ask me, I have no idea what's going on_ » way.

Ah, well. Not his partner, not his damn problem. The bomber was sure some quiet around the place wouldn't hurt. With that in mind, Deidara moved towards Uchiha in a flash, and managed to snatch the stick of dango from his hand since his Sharingan had been deactivated and Kisame had been distracting him with the way he rubbed a particular tender spot in his knee.

"Dei—"

"You'll get fat and your boyfriend won't fuck you anymore, hn. Consider this payment for being so nasty in the common rooms, hn."

Now, to report to Pein-sama and bother the shit out of his man Sasori before Tobi did that to him.

* * *

Hidan looked at the clock on the bedside table and made a face, but he simply refused to move from his bed. He was usually energetic (that sometimes seemed to borderline on hyperactive), but now he was... kind of unresponsive.

Kakuzu had only stopped once to tell him to stop being so childish and do something productive for a change. His tone had revealed how annoyed he was at the moment, and Hidan barked he was not allowed to come into his room again. Not that the other had cared. So much for partners, right?

A sigh escaped his lips, and he focused on the rain tapping relentlessly against his window. Fucking hell, he hated Ame so badly. _Rain, rain, rain._ That's all there it was to it. But, at least it made him stop overthinking so damn much. Sasori's question hadn't left his mind yet, and Hidan could feel his already frail sanity crack.

"Who the fuck am I?"

Silence was his only answer. His hands curled into fists, breath soon coming in short gasps. Why was he having doubts now? Why, why, _why_? His mentor— he snorted at the word— had made sure Hidan had no doubts his new existence and purpose, and Jashin, he had held onto every word latched into his soul for dear life. He had forced himself to believe, because he had been left no other choice.

Memories soon buried in the back of his mind came forward, and he shut his eyes tightly as if he was in great pain. In a way, he was.

 _Blood. So much blood. His whole body was covered in it. The surface brushing against his body made him scream and trash in absolute agony— his skin had been peeled clean from his body, allowing blood to taint him and everything he touched._

 _Rikkudo, he wanted it to stop so badly. But hands held his body down, and suddenly he felt something— a scythe— pierce his chest._

 _He didn't die._

 _He felt everything. He heard every word chanted, every single explanation about was he had to do once that was all over and how precious his gift was to a world full of heathens._

 _Hidan had been granted immortality. Or well, immortality with a catch, because stuff like that was never granted with a loophole in the contract that allowed the person to die anyway._

 _It went on like that for days. He'd black out, wake up hours later to find his body healing slowly. Then, they'd come again and repeat the torturous process over and over again._

 _Peel, push, and stab._

 _The seventh day, he lost it._

 _"Jashin, Jashin, Jashin! I believe, I believe!" And just like that, the pain slowly disappeared. Still, he repeated the same words like a broken record, promising he'd do what Jashin wanted, just please, please make it stop._

 _"Go now, my son. Bear Jashin's purpose on your shoulders." The man who had called himself his mentor said before Hidan blacked out._

 _He woke up days later in the middle of nowhere, a rosary heavy on his chest, a red bible in his hand, and the scythe bound to his arm. He had no recollection to who he was other than his name._

 _That, and the hitai-ate with the Yu symbol engraved in it. The was a clean line across the metal plate, and not for the first time since that Hell began, Hidan felt utterly hopeless._

 _He had nothing._

 _He was no one. Nothing but Jashin's servant now._

He had wandered aimlessly for a while, reading the damn book in hopes he'd find an answer, anything that could answer at least one of the thousands of questions that plagued his mind. But there he had found verses worshipping a God he had been offered to, and Hidan stopped reading because it was too soon.

That's when the shadows had started to appear on the corner of his eye. He had felt them follow him, even under the blazing sun of Sunagakure. They had plagued his nightmares— genjutsu, he had remembered one night after waking up to the screeching of a thousand souls tortured— until he had grabbed the book again and read. He had understood what they wanted and Hidan didn't stop reading until he had memorized every word and could recite every commandment. Ninjutsu, genjutsu, taijutsu. The way heathens fought. The new Jashinist soon gave up on trying to use any of it— the shadows had appeared again and he found himself having to use the massive scythe to soothe the demons plaguing him.

He began sacrificing people to please his God. Doing that, Hidan found peace of mind and regained his sanity— as much as a person having experienced what he did could, at the very least. A couple of months must've passed before he joined Akatsuki and met Kakuzu. By then, he was a completely different man.

He was no longer Hidan of Yugakure no Sato.

He was Hidan, soldier of Jashin.

The nin shook his head and directed his reddish eyes to the door, having heard the doorknob rattle for a brief second before stopping completely. He immediately supposed it was Kakuzu and growled softly under his breath. Ignoring the ghost pain that consumed his body, Hidan got up and stomped his way to the door, swinging it open with a select list of curses ready to be directed to whoever decided to mess with his precious «me time». The words died in his mouth when he saw his partner holding a bowl of ramen in one hand while looking highly uncomfortable and just as annoyed.

"You haven't eaten at all." As expected, his voice held nothing but annoyance. Not that Hidan has expected an ounce of kindness from the other man. Tobi must've forced him to deliver the bowl, he thought after a second of uncomfortable silence.

And he was right. Hidan's lips were chapped due the lack of liquid in his body, and the acids in his stomach were downright violent after not having anything in it for two days straight. Still, the silver-haired man just looked at the bowl with little to no expression on his face, not really knowing what the ever-living fuck was going on.

"Do I need to shove it down your throa—"

"Why?"

The question shut him up. The miser pressed the bowl against the other's chest, giving a pointed look that said «grab it or else I'll drop it and make you clean it».

Hidan didn't move. Kakuzu didn't drop it.

" _Why_?" He insisted.

"Because you'd be a nuisance if we are assigned a mission."

Ah, there it was.

 _Nuisance_.

Hidan wasn't like Kakuzu, Itachi or Sasori. He was like Deidara— bold, loud, and irreverent who didn't know how to control his emotions. It had gotten in trouble more times than he'd ever care to count. He couldn't help it— nor wanted to, if truth be told. It was the very last thing that made him feel human. Normal. Even if the emotions he ever felt nowadays were vicious.

So when his partner uttered that blasted word, Hidan tensed, face contorting in rage. He had forgotten how to express hurt a long time ago.

"You fucking bitch! Get the fuck out of— what the fuck are you doing?! Get out! _Oi, Kakuzu!"_

But, it was useless. The taller of the two had already placed the bowl on the small bedside table and sat down on the small bed, clearly not giving a damn about the other's opinion or colorful language.

"Eat."

"Like hell I will! Just go the fuck away! I don't want to see you!"

Hidan was breathing rather heavily, clearly not in the best mindset and with a look that would've scared anyone. Memories still plagued his mind, one of them being the first time he saw Kakuzu's face.

 _"Do I have something on my face?"_

 _"Stitches."_

 _"And?"_

 _"You look weird as fuck, man."_

 _"Don't worry, I like 'em."_

Kakuzu sneered— Hidan couldn't actually see the expression, but he just _knew_ — and narrowed his eyes.

"Eat."

"No!" Hidan looked like a wild animal now— hair messy and eyes wide while he reached out to grab Kakuzu by the cloak and shake him violently. "Get the fuck out! I hate you!" He then grabbed his scythe, ready to plunge it into Kakuzu's chest and rip out his heart— all five of them.

"You don't."

Hidan stopped all of a sudden. Because fuck, he was right. He was so right.

"You don't," repeated Kakuzu and gripped Hidan's wrists with enough force to break them. The Jashinist growled in slight pain, but it only intensified. "Now you better tell me what is wrong with you."

Like hell he would.

"Or else what, you fucker? You don't scare me."

"Or else I will change partners."

His blood froze.

If Kakuzu did that, then it'd be end of the line for him. It was pretty obvious he was kept in Akatsuki because he couldn't be killed. There weren't immortals just running around in hidden villages.

The younger nin struggled against the vise-like grip, teeth bare in a snarl. Jashin, he wanted to fight Kakuzu so badly. He wanted to destroy each heart he had and leave to a place not even Pein-sama knew. He wanted to find answer to the fucking question already before he went mad and used his Jashin-given powers to end his fucked up existence. No, scratch that. What he wanted was to end Kazuku's.

Or, that's what he told himself. That little voice in his head laughed because fuck, it was so not true. Perhaps that was the reason he got so mad at the miser over stupid little things.

"Change partners? Who the fuck would agree to that stupid none sense? I'm the only one who can work with you! _I'm the only one who can be your partner!_ "

And then he finally found it. His eyes widened even more and he ceased his fighting, looking at Kakuzu in complete shock. His partner, however, looked like he was about to struck him.

That was it. That would as the only answer that had managed to give him some sort of satisfaction in this new life.

He was Hidan, Kakuzu's _only_ partner.

"What in the Nine Hells is wrong with you?" He growled, tugging him closer when Hidan went practically limp in his grip. "Answer me, Hidan!" Kakuzu was frustrated beyond belief. Just when he thought he had figured him out... something like this has to happen, and so he was back at stage one, trying to find something in Hidan that could be worth his time and patience.

This time, in those eyes he found nothing but shock and... pain. A pain so deep and so twisted he sucked in a deep breath— when was the last time he had looked at Hidan in the eye? When was the last time he had considered him his equal? Something told him he knew what had triggered this unusual behavior.

"I'm the only one who can be your partner."

Silence. And then—

"... Yes, you are." Kakuzu let go of his hands and to his surprise Hidan stepped closer, shoulders pushed down as the ghosts from the past weighted heavily on him. He should push him away and leave, the miser thought. But his body didn't listen to him. "Why—"

"If I ever lose myself, will you find me?"

The severity of the words made the miser blink a couple of times, clearly taken aback. Hidan was many things, but serious was rarely one of them. For a moment he didn't know what to say. Damn, was it a weird day.

"Do I have any other option?" He asked dryly, but instead of screaming, his partner offered a wicked grin. One that hid too much, but a grin nonetheless.

Hidan knew that was the closest confirmation he'd ever get from Kakuzu.

"No, I guess not."

The bowl of ramen laid forgotten on the table.

* * *

Itachi woke up in the middle of the night several days later, hearing commotion in the room across from his own. Sitting on the bed, he rubbed his eyes tiredly and looked at the clock.

 _2:30 am._

Kisame soon followed suit, one arm finding its way around the Uchiha's bare waist, pulling him closer as if to shield him from the coolness in the room. Itachi leaned rather absently against the broad chest, eyes struggling to stay open. With his enhanced senses, Kisame took a deep breath and suddenly his body shook with laughter, pointy teeth gleaming in the dark in all their deadly glory. His lover turned to look at him in curiosity.

"It seems the Kid and Kakuzu-san are having some adult fun over there. The stench is downright repulsive, if you ask me." But it was just him being a jerk as usual. Itachi looked vaguely surprised by this.

"Already? I thought they'd take longer..." he mused out loud, now unable to go back to sleep as something incredibly close to a needy moan reached his ears, making his nose scrunch up. "Rikkudo. So much for mutual respect." Suddenly, he felt Kisame press his frame against his side, sending a shiver down his spine.

"We should show them how it's done, _Chi-kun_." And there he was, kissing his neck just how Itachi liked it.

"I would never do something so childish."

"Then why are you taking your pants off?"

"I may not be childish, but I'm no fool either."

If Kisame hadn't been so distracted by his lover, he would've heard Deidara's and Tobi's hushed snickers coming from the blonde's room, followed by what sounded suspiciously like a moan.

* * *

Nagato's eyebrow twitched in annoyance and he closed his eyes tighter, hoping the vulgar noise would stop soon. But then it only got louder, and the leader let out a groan.

 _Fucking Hell._

Perhaps, if he begged enough, Madara-sama would allow him to kill them all.


End file.
